To Lulu

Dear Lulu,

When I waited on your big sister, Libby, I had plenty of time on my hands to read, prepare, shop, imagine, journal. I was terrified about becoming a mom so any preparation I could do - I did! Our journey to you is much different. I don't have that fear. Jesus gave us Libby (her formal name being Liberty) to give me liberty/freedom over that fear. When I named her I thought her name was for her - a reminder that she has been set free from abandonment, orphan life, communism, loneliness, etc. But Jesus knew, when He gave us that name for her what it really meant. That she was part of His plan to set us free. 

So during our journey to you we have not had the fear or the absolute need to prepare or worry. However!!! - I didn't realize until today that I have been walking around with heavy numbness in an effort to not set my heart up for disappointment should it take longer to get to you than originally planned. 

On Saturday I'm not sure exactly what happened, but I woke up with joy. The heaviness was not there. I had spent the week asking the Lord to show me how He wanted me to use my time and I had fasted from meeting with friends so I could make room to just hear Him. On Saturday it was as if all that quiet time culminated into a peaceful day of just being settled in Him. At one point that day it was as if Libby could feel the weight come off as well. She kept shouting, "It's a beautiful day! It's a beautiful day!" Right then I started thinking about you and wondering if you were born yet or not. I brought Libby into the kitchen and we did something special to remember that beautiful day. We wrote a letter to you together that is stored away for you to read one day.  

Sunday was a full day. We met Holly and Darren Sapp (who are adopting an older girl from ET) and the Martines for lunch down on the Riverwalk. It was so fun listening to Holly talk about her adoption journey and I had a chance to talk about ours. Later that evening we had house church and your daddy introduced a new song he's been working on called "We Will Trust". The song speaks about how "our God can be counted on" and I continued to think of you and how God is making it possible for you to come home to us soon.

On Monday I woke up with amazing energy and expectation and joy as I set out on my new God-inspired schedule. I spent some time with the Lord, prayed for some friends and family and you. I washed dishes, 2 loads of laundry, mopped the floors, got Libby ready, got myself ready and was off to the gym before 9 am!! That is NOT a normal morning for me. The entire day was amazing and I thought about you some more!

And then today, I went to work out and at the end of the amazing work out we were in "cool down" mode and the instructor was playing slow music that just stirred something up in me. It was a combination of being tired of waiting, being eager to see your face, being overwhelmed at the thought that I might see your face very soon, and being set free to allow myself to feel and sink my heart into this fully. As I put up all my weights (ooo, just realized how that paints the picture perfectly) I kept trying to hold back the tears. Everyone was leaving the room, but Cristie was waiting on me. When I looked her in the eye I knew I would not be able to stop crying. I told her, "I just need to cry" and we went to a bench where I covered my face with a towel and sobbed. It was such a good release. It's like I've been holding it all in and I just needed to let it go. Relax, trust, hope, feel.

I share all of this with you to say - I don't have as many gadgets, toys, clothes or personal journal entries for you as I did for Libby at this point (in part, because I'm so busy with her and our ministries, but in part also because I do not have to fill my time with those things in order to smother my fears this time around)- but as of today my heart is more fully engaged and joyful with anticipation than it has ever been because I get to enjoy our journey to you from this point forward with no fear and no more numbness. I have permission from my Father to enjoy, wonder, and fully feel the emotion of this journey. I know there may be disappointment, but today I realized I would rather feel the joy and risk the disappointment than be without any joy at all. If it takes feeling disappointment to get to you, then I will pay that price. You are worth all the emotion if that's what it takes. And I want to fully celebrate the work God is doing to bring you to us.

Today, to mark all that is happening in my spirit for you I bought a Sit and Stand Stroller at Babies R Us along with a bib, baby monitor, and a few other things. When we arrived home, your daddy and Libby helped me put it together. Libby loves it! And she talked about you being in it with her. I have visions of that. And vision of holding you in the baby Bjorn while holding Libby's hand for a cool afternoon walk (we'll have to be somewhere other than San Antonio for the "cool afternoon" part, but that's okay!). 

I love you Lulu. I know it is crazy difficult for others to comprehend loving someone I have never seen. But God puts it there - the love. Because it's His love and He has a plan for you - to prosper you, to give you hope and a future. Aria-Lu Hope - your name means "lioness of God" "pearl" and "hope". That's what you are. A pearl of God with the heart of a lion that will work to take His hope to the hopeless. When I waited on Libby he gave me two words of promise to me about who she would be. He told me that she would be a joy and delight. She is that exactly! For you He has spoken that you will a child of hope and peace. Jesus is filling our home with His attributes through my children who He has gathered from the nations. Such a beautiful thought!

Sleep in peace, dream with hope. We are coming soon!

Love,

Mommy